Many see anger as a “bad” thing, a negative emotion that perhaps should not be expressed. Personally I just see all emotions as different forms of energy.

Imagine if you will that your body is a capped volcano. On the outside is a solid calm presence that hides within it a very alive and active amount of energy. The cap stopping the flow of this energy is one consisting of being polite and not letting fly whilst within the energy simmers and brews becoming more and more frustrated pushing its way to the top needing release before it implodes and damages our bodies.

As the frustration builds and builds in its intensity with one thing after another suddenly “the last straw” comes along. The energy can be held in place no longer and so whammo off comes the cap of politeness, of holding your tongue and our frustration which has been building ever so intensely spews forth like hot lava affecting everyone in its path.

Once the lava emerges what then? You’ve usually surprised a lot of folk and perhaps even yourself that you went off so badly and perhaps you and others are suddenly in shock that you have let fly. Whilst you feel good that your frustration has been set free which due to being squashed down time and time again turned into anger you are also left feeling somewhat embarrassed and perhaps in awe or even in fear of the amount of energy that came flying out of you spitting hot rocks and lava everywhere. Most folk when they do finally let fly then apologise for having done so – why? Is our conditioning so very entrenched in relation to not allowing ourselves to express anger?

Let’s dig a little deeper shall we to see what is contained within the now just simmering lava that is flowing and 10 times out of 10 you will find buried beneath it all lays a wound that you have been unconsciously protecting that exists from some moment in time which was inflicted upon you that has been covered up time and time again with layers of protection in fear so that another does not wound us in the same way again.

Once the cap of frustration and anger blows and the pain of the wound is actually felt, it exists no more, nor do the layers protecting it.

It was very interesting to me quite some time ago now to observe the behaviour of another who was using alcohol as “medicine” to numb pain and who was often angry, hurt full towards others and many times totally irrational as folk suffering the sickness of alcohol self-medication are. I sensed fear, an inability to cope and a very deep wound lay beneath it all so the alcohol and anger if you like was just the protection being used to push others away, ultimately totally and kept anyone from getting anywhere near the wound so the pain of it would not be felt.

In this individual I was reminded of the analogy of a wounded animal, in that the first instinct of any animal when wounded is to act aggressively when another tries to assist care for them or help heal their wound. Anger can be quite destructive to relationships but to dig deeper and find the wound is the blessing in it. However as with all things it is totally up to the individual whether or not they actually want to face and feel their own pain or whether they just continue on with their lives protecting themselves and pushing other folk away with their defensive fear based anger, for the greatest form of defence is known to be attack first.

I also find that anger is a wonderful energy if used without hurting other folk with words for weapons or physically, for it gives me the rocket fuel, if you like, I sometimes need, to propel me into action or into what I term Warrior mode and make changes in my life I’ve been thinking about but haven’t yet acted on and yes always underneath it so far I have found fear, a wound and pain.

We all reach our “enough” point at some stage, some of us sooner rather than later. A very wise person once said to me “If you know something is poisonous, stop taking it.” They were not referring at the time to a physical substance being ingested (although that does apply) but to behaviours by others that make us upset or cause us pain. Behaviours that are not kind and do not bring us any sense of peace, calm or love. Whether those behaviours are our own or another’s.

Many say if you truly love someone it shouldn’t matter what crap they throw at you or how much pain they bring you, you should just stick it out and put up with it. Personally I say bollocks to that for there does indeed come a time when you have to love yourself, your own peace of mind and being, more than continually putting up with being in the projectionary firing line of another’s unhealed wounds. It is often the case that out of love for yourself and another you reach your enough point and just totally walk away, leaving them to stew in their own crap and with any luck enough space to finally start looking at themselves and start dealing with whatever has caused them to behave in the hurtful way they have been.

So…. anger is not, in my reality, a “bad” thing at all when we see it for what it truly is and do no harm to others with it. It is in fact a very powerful energy that moves us forward and helps us see, feel and heal our wounds.

© Cheryl O’Connor 2014.

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